No More Curses You Can't Undo
by patientalien
Summary: Lucas reflects on his relationship with Bridger in a letter. ELF.


HTML

HEAD

TITLENo More Curses You Can't Undo/TITLE

/HEAD

BODY

Notes: Rated PG-13/R for discussions of attempted suicide, child abuse (non-graphic), and other potentially disturbing material. 

P

Disclaimer: Lucas Wolenczak and other seaQuest characters don't belong to me, but I think TPTB should give them to us already, since they don't want them anymore... but I digress.

P

Many thanks to Chance for everything. 

P

BTW: the title is a line from the song "No More" from Into the Woods...br

---------------br

"No More Curses You Can't Undo"br

Diena Taylor

P

You must be surprised. Didn't expect to hear from me again, after all this time. After all that's happened - after all you did to me. Did you? Of course you didn't. I didn't think I'd be doing this, either. Never thought I'd actually sit down and let myself remember you - remember *us* - the way we were, the way we had been. I think it's because I'm tired and feeling kind of doped-up from the medicine Perry's been handing out to the crew ever since Lonnie came back from shore leave with that flu... of course, the Commander was the first to fall... It was actually kind of amusing to watch him trying to explain how he was the only one to get it, since he and Lonnie didn't have any shifts together after she got back... Wow - I'm really going off, aren't I? Well, I guess that's what I'm good at - as you told me incessently. What was I talking about? Oh - why I'm doing this, right. Maybe because... I think the time has come. I didn't at first, and I didn't for a long, long time. I wanted to deny it, I wanted to think that it was all a big mistake. Now, after a lot of thought and a lot of self-pity, I've come to the conclusion that you were right. It *is* time. Maybe it wasn't then, but it is now, even if you don't want it to be.

P 

Somehow I think you won't protest too much. Maybe put up the pretense of caring, but down inside I'm sure you'll acutally be relieved that you don't have any more even *implied* responsibility for me. After all, you've got your own family to deal with now - why should I try to be part of that? Hell, I wasn't even wanted in my *own* family - why should anyone else's family be any different, right? And no, I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I'm just telling you my rationalization, the facts as I perceive them.

P

I'm a grown-up now. I have my own room, I pick up after myself, and I fold my own laundry. I'm not anyone's child anymore. I'm not anyone's responsibility, and I'm working on finding who *I* am so I can make a real life for myself. I've been trying to please other people for so long - being what *they* wanted me to be... even now, now that I'm enlisted. But the tour ends in a month, and my service ends three months after that. Once that's over, the part of my life that I once dedicated to the UEO will be gone forever. I'm going to start over - I'm going to figure out who I am - not who *other* people want be to be. It's been so long, I think I've forgotten who I am. Well, now I'm going to get it all back - be my own person. No one will have to worry about me, and no one will have to feel like they owe me anything. 

P

I was angry for a long, long time. Angry at my parents, angry at Noyce, angry at God or whatever is up there, and mostly angry at myself. I was miserable before I was sent to the seaQuest, and I was miserable for a good long time after I was sent to the seaQuest. I never told you - or anyone - about all the little things I did to try to kill myself. Little things that no one would notice if they didn't work. Little things, just to test myself - to see how much I could handle, how far I could go before it was too late. Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn't. At the time, I'm sure I would have been unhappy with either option. I'd be unhappy if you noticed, just on the principle of the thing - because then you'd try to relate to my pain, try to make me feel better. I didn't *want* to feel better. I wanted an excuse to be angry and bitter and depressed, and I knew if you found out you'd try to help, and you would try to take away the one thing that was truly mine - my emotions. Of course, when you didn't notice - or didn't comment even if you did notice - it made me feel bad too. Like nobody noticed what I did, like nobody cared if I lived or died. Catch 22, I guess. 

P

So yeah, you noticed when I took 20 sleeping pills... but that was probably because I passed out right as you were coming onto Sea Deck. You noticed the big things I did, but you didn't see the little things. You didn't see the missed sleep, the skipped meals, the hours of crying in solitude that marked my days during the first tour. Nobody saw those - and even if someone did, nobody ever said anything about it. 

P

But then... I don't know what happened. I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and decided that I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life hungry and exhausted and just plain sad. I figured if nobody really cared about what I did, I may as well have fun. Boy, was I wrong. I mean - after that you became more of a parent than ever. You and Kristin... I know you two probably thought of fun new ways to piss me off all the time. Sure, I sometimes got annoyed when you expressed concern or love for me, or when you nagged me about my room or whatever... I think that was because I wasn't used to it, and it wasn't what I had been really asking for. 

P

It was because of your interest in my well-being that made me realize that the seaQuest was really where I was supposed to be - where I was happiest. I had never had many friends before I came, and suddenly I had lots of really good friends. Ben Krieg, Tim, Miguel, Katie... you and Kristin... even Crocker. Ford... I'm still good friends with Ford. Suprising, huh? Considering we rarely had two words to say to each other a good deal of the time. But you know what? He's not as uptight as everyone thinks he is. 

P

Then all of a sudden, here comes my dad back in my life, trying to take away my happiness once again. You know what? I hated him! HATED him! And I hated you too - hated you for showing compassion for the man who stole fifteen years of my life. It was HIS fault my home - your dream - was destroyed. It was HIS fault I had - and still do have - nightmares three times a week about the hell he put me through. And now - NOW - you were giving him a second chance. You were letting him come back, letting him try to take me back into his life. I hated you. Well, I hated you until you told my father in no uncertain terms that I was staying with you. It was then I realized that you really did care about me - and this time it didn't annoy me in the least.

P

I think the second tour was the turning point, really. You had so much more to deal with, somehow or another, and I was almost an adult. The stuff Tony taught me about life was (somehow) just as "interesting" (and sometimes more so) as Ben's life lessons, and I know sometimes you got mad at Tony for "corrupting" me. Ha! I'd been corrupted long before I met Tony *or* Ben. Guess you didn't really want to believe that, though, huh? 'Course not.

P

I'm not even going to *talk* about Tobias. 

P

So now here I am. You left me. Now... now... After everything we'd done. After everything you've done for me - you just leave. Like that. Because something better came along. Someone you could start over with - someone you wouldn't have to try to undo fifteen years of horror for, someone you wouldn't have to watch every single second to make sure he won't kill himself, someone you could keep away from the likes of Ben and Tony. You got your real family - and a link to Robert. Why was I deluding myself into thinking I was anything other than a... replacement. 

P

When I finally called you after your absolutely HORRIFYING Section 7 mission, you said you were sorry. Sorry? SORRY?! You actually thought SORRY was going to fix everything? You thought SORRY was going to undo all the pain you put me through? Did you honestly believe SORRY would make me feel like I mattered anymore? Well, you know what? I'm sorry too. I'm damn sorry I spent so many years of my life trying to make you love me - when I know now that you never really did. I'm sorry I wasted *your* time, and mostly, I'm sorry I didn't see it from the start. I could have saved us both a helluva lot of trouble.

P

So that's why I'm writing. To tell you it's over. Me, you, the seaQuest, everything. I move out in a month, and then I'm on my own, for the first real time in my life. And you know what? I'm not going to apologize. Not this time.

P

Goodbye.

P

~Lucasbr

--**--**--**br

P

Lucas Wolenczak stared at the computer screen, his finger poised over the send button. One little motion, that was all it would take. Then he would be completely free, completely without attachments to anything of his former life. Lucas took a deep breath, and pressed the button as he flipped off the power. The screen faded to black before the message was fully uploaded. There, Lucas thought. It was done.P

P  
P  
br

br

br

br

a href=mailto:jupiter2@ultranet.comemail diena/a

P  
P  
/BODY

/HTML


End file.
